Twin lie detector: Why twins see no point in "lying" and what it has to do with authenticity and competition.
- Annika Viktoria Ritter
- Feb 28, 2024
- 9 min read
Updated: Jul 17, 2024
Twins makes it clear that you only start to lie when you are no longer connected. Because in connectedness you are authentic and know that the other person feels what you think and feel. That's why twins are often open books and seem incongruous to a very distant singleton. Until now, the ability to set boundaries has been considered one of the most important criteria for a healthy person. But what if twins had brought the organic matrix down to earth and we were all just connected? Would lying and the usual boundaries make sense then?
I met Alexander Junghans at a workshop and quickly found a consensus with him in our twin conversations. We stood together during every break to compare similar experiences and talk shop about twin perception. As luck would have it, one of the trainers had worked with twins and gave us the following sentence:
"You can turn off the light switch less in front of each other!"
Oh yes, someone had said what is normal for us. As an identical twin you have brought a 3D mirror with you to Earth.
I am an identical twin and was born as a We with a 3D mirror. The Twinterviews confirm and objectify my self-exploration of my Twin Perspective.
Alex is not only an identical twin, he also studied psychology and did some twin research as part of his degree. He was also the one who introduced me to the early research of Dr Barbara Klein, herself an identical twin from the USA. Barbara Klein is an educational consultant and helps both twins and gifted children. She is an author on twin research.
In the Twinterview, I talk to Alex about openness, why it might be more pronounced in twins and what the implications are.
#1: What we can learn from the openness of twins!
#2: Twin Tip: For loving competition from identical twins
#3: Inconsistent beliefs about and from twins
What we can learn from the openness of twins!
1. Twins switch: A quick glimpse into your own soul.
What strikes me is that our conversation is more open and honest than I have ever experienced with other people. We have switched on the twin switch and are telling each other things that are difficult to do with other people so quickly. It's as if we've known each other for 100 years. I know that most people are more cautious here and feel that you can't see into their souls.
I also mention that I was always very irritated when someone obviously lied to my face because it didn't make sense to me. I always assumed that other people could read me because I could.
As a twin, I know that we are all open books.
Not only can we read other people's faces, but we can also decode their emotions because we put ourselves in their shoes. That's why we're quick to reveal our innermost feelings. But most of the time, we are alone in this, and it seemed inappropriate and dangerous in a singelton world.
And now we were both doing the same thing.
One of my best friends from kindergarten once complimented me on how much she appreciated that about both of us. We always said what we really thought and felt, directly and honestly. She always admired that.
2. The more connected you are, the more secure you feel and the more open and authentic you are.
Alex believes that as twins we are born into a partnership and therefore learn to communicate with an equal partner from the start. In order to communicate, it is important to recognise the other person and be able to put yourself in their shoes. It is obvious that, on average, twins are better at reading other people.
From his point of view, this honesty could be linked to the fact that twins never find themselves in a situation where they have to distance themselves from others, or at least not at first. This allows them to express their true feelings and be authentic. It is not worthwhile for them to be dishonest or to hide.
People are authentic when they are in relationship with each other. And twins are the visible expression of the deepest connection.
For Alex, part of the personality is innate and continues to develop after birth. This part reacts very strongly to external influences and critical life events, so that one's individuality changes as a result of genes and the environment. As identical twins, you tend to share the most experiences, which creates a different dynamic.
It is said that empathy is not always an advantage, but this is probably a matter of wording. What is meant is that people who are very empathetic are less able to distance themselves. However, just because someone feels little and therefore finds it easier to distance themselves, i.e. to empathise less with others, is by no means a positive character trait and probably has more to do with an egocentric deficit. Unconsciousness and the illusion of separation.
3. Can't have everything? Distance due to new partnership.
Alex tells me that his relationship with his brother was less good for a few years because they both met partners, got married and now each of them has a family. They both had negative feelings and even jealousy.
"It was a difficult time," says Alex. "You have to understand that the relationship between twins is never declared as a marriage or a relationship, but the separation feels the same".
They both agreed that they both wanted to be in a relationship, but they didn't know how big the break would be. Before his wife, his brother would have been his priority in life, but with the new situation, that would have suddenly changed. Basically, they already had a partner and had to break up in order to start a new relationship.
Today their relationship is good again.
However, their relationship would now be characterised by distance and he would still like to be able to spend more time together. Circumstances would make this difficult.
Alex believes that you have to make some kind of sacrifice in order to be in a relationship with a new 'partner'. From his point of view, you can't have everything you want.
When I ask him if he thinks that this closeness is something you seek all your life, Alex replies that he thinks you come to terms with the longing little by little, but whether it disappears is up in the air. But the negative feelings would diminish.
4. The nature of the twin relationship: in particular the influence of the mother
We'll talk again about twin research and the finding that the influence of the mother's relationship would be crucial to the development of the relationship between the children.
For example, if the children were not perceived by their mother as individuals, but only as a group of twins, they would adopt this way of thinking as twins or resist it very strongly and seek their own identity, for example by always wanting to be different from the twin and resisting identification with themselves. Their own natural behaviour would change.
In this context, Alex mentions the colour code so typical of identical twins.
"The colour blue belonged to my brother, I always got the other colours. Green, red or black".
The bad thing was that you were always given the same clothes to wear, which was cute, but from his point of view it wasn't conducive to individualisation and development as a twin and slowed down the process.
To emphasise your individuality, you could start to like different colours.
I find this very funny and impressive. Because for a long time my sister was blue and I was red.
5. Competition: Mutual motivation is the best way to develop your own personality
Dr Barbara Klein's twin research has shown that encouraging competition between children is the best way to help both grow into their own, confident personalities. This does not mean divisive and very self-centred rivalry, but healthy competition that stimulates both sides:
"Hey, if he can do it, so can I".
Even better, if the competition is used to teach others what you can do.
Twins who have learnt to encourage each other and then notice how it makes them better would have the happiest and best relationships with each other and with other people.
Alex finds this research very logical and insightful in many ways. He thinks it is best to see twins as individuals rather than as a unit from the start.
He sympathises with parents for whom it is an additional challenge with twins to see their children not as a group but as individuals. This could automatically lead to a separation | develop individualisation and both could lead a life less influenced by being twins.
As a father, he understands the shortcuts parents take to make life easier with two young children and their needs. They buy the same clothes and food because it's easier. And many parents simply don't realise that they can be harming their children in the long term. Their identity development can be disrupted and their behaviour can change as a result.
The physical and mental differences, especially in identical twins, are often only 3%. This makes it all the more important to recognise and encourage these differences.
Twin Tip: For loving competition between identical twins
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Step 1: Find a picture from your childhood and look closely into your eyes. You will recognise an essence that has always been there. Remember what you liked to play with as a child, what made you laugh, what made you resonate with life. This is where you will find your talents. |
Step 2: Recognise that you are unique and therefore important to the world. No one can take your place and be better than you. Because you are you. |
Step 3: When you notice the competition, go back to that essence, and appreciate what you simply have. |
Step 4: Now notice what someone else brings to the table and what you can learn from them. |
Step 5: Talk about the beautiful things you bring and what you see in someone else. |
Step 6: This is where the exchange, the addition, the win-win is possible. |
As a trainer, I integrate this principle of positive competition into the courses. In a workshop on project work with children, I had the most impressive experience of how a connection and a win-win situation developed between two girls.
I gave them the task of making a stop-motion film. One of them was so fast that she created a little miracle within 30 minutes. Her colleague was so impressed with her performance and speed that she blocked herself. Competition was in the air. After 30 minutes, the performer wanted to make another video. But I asked her to recognise her enormous talent, to think about what she was doing automatically, and to step in to help her friend. To motivate her, to give her practical help with her craft and also to turn her into an performer. Then they had to show their video.
Everything turned around because now the other girl was one step ahead. She had a presence that few have. She stood there without any knowledge of German and presented herself to the class with a clear, strong voice and a lot of charm. Now her friend was under pressure, nervous and didn't know what to do next. The vocally gifted girl automatically stepped into the breach and gave all the tips and practical help to support her friend.
When I saw them both in their talents and let them see that others saw them in them too, the miracle happened: They shared out of love and were rewarded through win-win.
Inconsistent belief within twins
When I said that I was very sure of my twin sister and that we had always been very close, a man once replied that this was very self-centred. I was surprised and listened with interest to what this had to do with self-centredness.
"Annika, it's difficult for a partner when someone already has priority 1. As a partner you are jealous if you don't have priority 1".
At the time I thought sympathetically that he had just given me a message about why something that had little to do with love had happened to me with singletons.
For me it wasn't priority 1 or 2, for me it was love. It's like comparing apples and oranges. As if you lose love as a partner when you have children or siblings or parents. It only shows whether you can love or whether you are still trapped in the illusion of love.
I too have heard these statements from my parents, from close friends, from school and even from psychologists who also convinced me that I could only live in a twin relationship or in a partnership with a man.
Either you are a very close twin, dress the same for the rest of your life and live in a semi-detached house, or you have a very distant relationship and a family of your own.
But not all twins believe this. I have met many twins and they all have different types of relationships. There are twins who live both, of course, and whose partners feel the added value of not only having a partner in their lives, but also of seeing what a good relationship their wife has with her twin. Or as a gift for a brother-in-law or sister-in-law.
Belief only makes sense if you believe that you are dependent on a romantic partnership and need someone to fill the gap. Then you want to get from a twin what he or she may have lived with a twin partner before. Twins start out very close. If this is no longer the case, then something in their core values is disturbed.
Real love is the opposite of competition. Love is a frequency. A frequency that has nothing to do with the frequency of competition or jealousy. True love is a frequency that increases when it is shared.
Book a coaching session with your twin or partner now and learn to see each other with all your talents and to enter into conscious competition.
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