The twin mirror: The twin is the biggest critic and at the same time the best adviser.
- Annika Viktoria Ritter
- Jul 1, 2024
- 11 min read
Updated: Jul 17, 2024
«The next drink is free» says the bartender after Freddy has also ordered a Coke.
Freddy and Stefan make the most of the little advantages of being born twins. They lead a picture-book twin life. They are 40 years old at the time of the interview, live together and are able to fulfil their dream of listening to country music as often as possible all over the world. They know they have the advantage of being born twins.
Today I am meeting Stefan and Freddy Fankhauser. They're the first twins I've met live and together for an interview. I'm really pleased that I recognise Stefan right away, even though I've only communicated with him by e-mail. I just felt it. And they both think it's something special. They are both truck mechanics, but work for different companies. And they live together.
My first question is about hierarchy and whether it matters between them who is the first-born and who is the second-born. Freddy is the first born and 5 minutes older than Stefan. However, they both agree that they are very evenly matched and that the 5 minute difference doesn't play a big role in their lives. However, they have heard this from other twins and there are a few details that make the older one stand out.
You often hear people say that the older one is heavier because he or she annoyed the younger one in the womb. There are also sayings that the older person is always a bit further ahead or 5 minutes smarter, they laugh. Stefan mentions that it would be the other way round with a caesarean. Depending on the situation, the second child would often be the first.
When I ask Stefan and Freddy if they are familiar with the theory of the Minister of the Interior and the Minister of Foreign Affairs, they immediately answer in the affirmative. In their case, the older one is the Minister of the Interior and the younger one is the Minister of Foreign Affairs, who scout the situation first. Stefan and Freddy objectify my thesis, because in most twins the older one is the foreign minister and the younger one is the interior minister.
But Stefan confirms that it is the older one who sets the tone, and this is simply more noticeable at home. But when it comes to sensitive issues abroad, the younger one has to go and investigate first. But this is also very balanced, as the roles are swapped depending on the situation.
3D mirror: What can identical twins teach us about self-love and diversity?
1. In the shadow of the twins: siblings
Freddy and Stefan have a younger brother and we talk about the constellation of three siblings.
"Our brother was mostly in the shadow. He was third in line and sometimes got the short end of the stick," say Stefan and Freddy.
As twins, they would have automatically stood out more, as there would have been situations where the younger brother would have been jealous. That's why their brother went his own way. They did have contact, but it was nothing like their relationship.
Now I can imagine how difficult it is for a person when two people who are so similar to you have different opinions. It's nice to be protected, but it's also difficult to have two people against you. Especially for a younger brother or sister.
Stefan says that when they were little and fought, their mother would sometimes try to mediate and then they would suddenly turn on her.
"In the end, we sensed what the brother was thinking," says Freddy. "Even today, we still fight about little things, even though we have the same ideas and views," says Freddy.
But once said, it would be forgotten. Their mother would struggle with it. They wouldn't question themselves so much if they threw the words at each other short and hard. They think about whether it would be more short-lived for men, while women think about it for longer. But I know this very well as a woman and a twin, and I ask them if they think that twins might have a different culture of argument.
We can imagine that arguments are a bit different because we have always known each other. They don't argue much in public, but when they travel, good colleagues say they argue like an old married couple.
2. One flat: half the rent
Stefan and Freddy are living together and I'm interested to see how it works. Unconsciously, I've probably always dreamed of living with my sister and enjoying the advantages. But I never allowed myself to do that because I always wanted to be independent and self-sufficient.
Freddy says it was natural for them to live together because they enjoyed travelling together. It meant they could share a lot of things and save money, and because they didn't have high standards for a place to live and knew what made each other tick, it was quite easy. Professionally, however, they would have taken different paths. Spending 24 hours together would also be too much for them.
3. One of the most frequently asked twin questions: TelEmpathy & Synchronicity in Twins
I ask Stefan and Freddy one of those twin questions that we all get asked all the time.
"Do you always feel exactly what your brother is thinking?"
There have been some impressive experiences of this kind. On a motorcycle tour abroad they would have lost each other at some point. They would automatically put themselves in each other's shoes, wondering where the other would be waiting. And then they would meet up again 60 or 70 kilometres further on. But it was not as pronounced as they had heard about other twins. For example, if one of them had an accident and the other was feeling unwell at the same time.
What they would experience more of would be these synchronicities. One would be ill and shortly afterwards the other would be even worse. Or one would get a speeding ticket and the following week the other would also get a 20 CHF fine. But they had also heard of twin girls who went shopping independently and ended up buying the same dress.
I had to smile, because that was exactly what I had experienced with my twin sister again after years. I had shown her my new coat, which was very trendy at the time. Very long, very wide and skin-coloured. My sister just laughed, ran to her wardrobe with her mobile phone and showed me a very similar one. Only the colour was slightly different. Despite very sporadic contact, we had bought the almost identical coat in two different countries, which was not yet in fashion at the time. It's a well-known twin thing.
4. The small subtle differences: completely the same and yet completely different.
Stefan and Freddy wore the same shirt for me and the interview today. When twins meet, it's a point of honour that they dress the same. What is perhaps surprising in this context is that they didn't dress alike as children. They often wore other children's clothes. And they also tended to choose different clothes.
It was the little things that made them different. Their mother, for example, could always tell them apart. However, Freddy tends to be quieter and Stefan a little more temperamental. And even though they live together, they speak different dialects. They work in different cantons, so they no longer speak the same dialect they learned from their mother. There are people who can tell them apart by their voices and the way they speak.
Their experience is that the way other people look at you and look for differences is very different. Sometimes it's the position of the teeth, sometimes it's the nose.
Just little things really.
I know these judgements of strangers and have always found it difficult,
that society categorises you as calm or quick-tempered, even though it's only a mu. But the brain then memorised: "I'm more quick-tempered". And they also confirm that it is often not so clear. If you were with them every day, you would notice the subtle differences. They often tell their friends that you only have to go on holiday with them for a week and then you can tell them apart. They smile when they tell me about a friend who spent three weeks with them in the USA and then said that they had grown apart.
"He can tell us apart now," says Freddy.
It was the closeness that made him realise, subconsciously, that they were two different personalities. Of course, if you only saw them once in a while, people would be less likely to notice the differences.
I'm delighted because I feel I can already tell them apart intuitively. I asked them if they also felt that they could tell the difference between other twins more quickly because "you" look more at the details. They both smiled and said no. They believe that I think about it more than the average person!
Stefan explains that their class teacher, who saw them every day from fifth to ninth grade, couldn't tell them apart. They never sat at the same desk and always moved to a different corner without him noticing. Of course, his colleagues could tell them apart, says Freddy.
It depends on how deeply you want to and can look into a person. There are people who only look at the surface.
However, they are less likely to believe that they have a better 'sense' of the differences between twins. They themselves have difficulty distinguishing between twins they don't know. Freddy says that he - perhaps because he is a man - looks at the obvious differences first and takes longer to distinguish between other twins. That's why they'd be more understanding if others confused them. And they wouldn't really care, even if people were embarrassed if they said the wrong name again.
5. Beneficial mix-up
"Refill is for free", said the bartender because she hadn't realised that she had served two people.
The funniest mix-up happened in Las Vegas. Stefan went straight to the bar with friends, while Freddy happened to order his Coke from the same bartender a short time later. Unconsciously, she had noticed that a "similar" person had already paid for his Coke and remarked to Freddy that he didn't have to pay for a refill.
They weren't even dressed alike. Freddy didn't understand what the woman meant at first and so they got "2 for 1".
Things like that happen all the time. For example, when Freddy went to get an ice cream at an ice cream stand, Stefan went straight away and was met with the exclamation:
Did you like it?
6. Exchange with other twins.
Freddy and Stefan are both on the board of a twin association in Switzerland. Stefan in the Swiss Twins Association: https://www.schweizerischerzwillingsverein.ch/kontakt/ and
Freddy on the board of the Lucerne Canton Twins Association: http://www.zwillingsverein.ch/kontakt/. The Lucerne association meets once a month for various events with other twins and is the most active.
They tell me that as children and teenagers they were not interested in such clubs. Now they enjoy socialising with other twins and learning about their stories and attitudes to life.
"We hear about the same problems and good things that come with being twins," says Stefan.
We talk about the great challenges that many twins face. As they were always “on the road” together, there was a sense that they were a unit. When they were on their own, they were immediately asked about their brother. It was sometimes very depressing. But you have to live with it.
In the Association they gain a new understanding of being twins, of the privilege but also of the challenges. They tell me that, as children and teenagers, they were rather shy and withdrawn and didn't want to stand out, which was hardly possible as twins. The twin was often a competitor. Now, with the Twin Club, they are more aware of everything that being twins entails.
7. Third party embarrassment and rubbing off
I'll tell Stefan and Freddy how I experienced a highly potentised form of external embarrassment with my twin sister, because I had to look twice at everything I didn't like about myself, and everything I did like about myself warmed my heart in mirror image. As a twin, you know you are an individual, and yet you are confronted with the mirror of yourself more than others. You have to ask yourself more whether you like yourself, and the less critical you are of yourself, the less critical you are of your brother or sister.
I ask them if they know this about themselves.
They mainly tell me about the projection onto the other twin when one twin behaves badly.
"The twins messed up," they said, and both had to face the consequences.
And, of course, they know the situation where you double-check what your brother says.
Freddy says: "Yes, the brother is the biggest critic.
Stefan says they know twin sisters in Australia who play music together. When one of them says something on stage, he can feel the other one watching and questioning everything.
"It's like one twin is always looking to see what the other one is doing, and then an objection comes, the conversation is interrupted, even though the other one hasn't even spoken yet!
Stefan confirms that he recognises himself and other twins in this critical observation. It is even more difficult when you are in the public eye.
Even the harshest critic comes back to the twin twice, like in a rear-view mirror. Because you are so connected, you see each other in it.
Stefan and Freddy confirm this feeling and tell me that they can also ask their brother for advice. And if he supports your opinion, then you know you're right.
I realise that it is very fortunate to be born into an inner security as a twin, because you get confirmation from your sibling. And I ask them how being twins helps. They both tell me that their confidence came as they grew up. As children they were very shy and self-critical. Now they know what is good for them. Of course, it helps to have each other and to confirm each other.
Twin Tip: Shadow work with Twin View to release blocked energy!
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Step 1: Confront yourself. Sit facing an empty chair and imagine a person, situation or feeling sitting in it. Take a close look at what bothers or attracts you and address what bothers you in detail. Use third person pronouns: "he, him, she, her, they, it, them". |
Step 2: Talk to your shadow. The second step is to move into yourself and connect with your shadow. Again you can ask questions: "What are you? What do you want from me? Then allow the answers to come to you from the Shadow. Imagine what the other person's answer would be and say it out loud. Let yourself be surprised! |
Step 3: Be me: Finally, change roles and sit in the "empty" chair opposite you. You are now your shadow and speak in the first person: I, me, myself, mine. Allow yourself not only to discover similarities with your shadow, but also to feel that it is really you. The unification of the shadow is complete when you feel it fully and say aloud: "I am...". |
Identical twins: the exception to the rule!
Why are atypical lifestyles always considered abnormal, I ask myself after meeting Freddy and Stefan. They both love and live their twin life to the full because they know the advantages.
In a way, it's easy to live with a twin because you've already done it in the womb. And you stand out quickly, which makes it easier to get along with other people. Freddy and Stefan meet a lot of interesting people because they are more easily recognised as a pair. You're not alone and you can do the things you like.
I can understand that very well. I admit it today. Because I was the biggest opponent of this concept. But today I ask myself why?
Was it me or was it my family and society that condemned this way of life? I would have loved to have lived with my sister in a city, in a shared flat. But I would never have allowed myself to admit it. Not even in front of my sister.
Freddy and Stefan are both on the board of the Swiss Twins Club. They travel to country festivals and meet people from all over the world. They are open and helpful. This is exactly what I noticed at the twin meetings.
It was important to the twins there that I didn't feel lonely because I was there alone. I hardly had to make an effort to start a conversation; I could relax. I wasn't alone.
What a twin revelation.
Especially as twins, on the road to self-confidence, we realise that we can be almost identical on the outside - and that includes not only our bodies but also our minds. And yet we are very different and unique. We all have a unique soul with our own purpose, and this is what we want to experience and recognise here. Being an identical twin has made me even more aware of this, because everything else is so similar.
The twin mirror is only an external mirror and can serve as a reflection for us to recognise ourselves as individuals. But this doesn't just apply to twins, it applies to all people. We reflect ourselves in every person or situation we find ourselves in. But what becomes clearer as an identical twin is that only when we love ourselves can we accept the good and the bad in other people.
The uniqueness of each is then equivalent to "not the same". Because difference in equality: that is normality.
Book a coaching session with your twin or partner now and get to know and integrate yourself and your shadow.
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